I write again.

Thank you for the lies, drama, heartache and most of all for being a huge waste of time..

Life, I am lifeless, in my subtle growth, incredible changes altering my life in a direction which I do not want to flow.  I choose not to choose, live with whatever it comes, flow wherever it flows and keep moving to the direction it takes me. But I ultimately utter, listen to me now, I do not want to flow in your direction anymore, I am tired, lifeless and living halfly. I am dying for proper peace and love. I tried your every possible ways but it proved me that too much optimism is also not good, sometimes you must view the world through the eyes of pessimist as well. My head is banged with so many thoughts, and it’s weighing more than I can lift myself. People try to wash my brain, change me, and my reality.

 I certainly win but I lose to stop not thinking because again I keep flowing, I care and it matters everything and every people in my life. My unconscious part dominate my conscious part and says move on, fuck that bastard, kick that ass and just make it a shit because it deserves to be kicked, thrown and simultaneously my conscious part wakes gradually and says, wait, you are made of love, caring is your nature. Let people hurt, let them try dragging and digging you as much as they can, it doesn’t really matters because it’s YOU, the ocean doesn’t get dirty with few drain, the sky doesn’t look ugly with few clouds. You just get stronger.

Abnormality.

8^th December 2011, As usual when I opened my eyes early in the morning, I used to wear and ride towards ground to play Mr.yod. But today I remembered a strange sweet dream that I saw last night, thoughts that ran in my mind since few days, reflected into a dream. Forgetting for shortly, I went to the ground and played game, but my game went unusual, every time I kicked the easy ball, I miss the pole, or the ball ran beyond my boot. After, back to home, I took my milk and went to trim my beard, still there was something wrong. I felt pain with the machine, and asked the barber whether the machine is out of work or what? He said it is ok. Whatever I faced the pain. And then in home, I went for shower but there was no hot water due to load shedding, so I had to bath just half of my body. I headed towards office but inbetween; I remembered it’s a day to give my bike to servicing and yup the fuel indicator is out of zero and I went towards pump to fill the fuel and I asked the filler to fill only ½ liter only because it’s stupid to leave fuel in the tank in the day of servicing because mechanic are good oil cheater. After, I waited for the public vehicle from teku to jamal because I had to reach Apple store Durbarmarg to pick the iphone and from there I walked towards my office thamel. Reaching office, I found that I don’t have to go for next day program, it’s a great relief.  Afterwards, me and my friend from office, walked all the way  durbar marg, kamaladi, putalisadak, Bagbazar, asan, and all the way to office. A long walk, but it was so interesting. On the way I saw all the strange things, learned all the unusual learning. You don’t belive if i say you will get batteries of almost all cell phones in Rs.100, pairs of sandles @ less then 100, normal cosmetics goods in Rs.10 and one more interesting thing was a vegetable cutter. There was a big crowd, and I somehow manage to enter into the crowd, all I saw was the slices of vegetables, placed on the mat, there were no fire, no any pots.. just a man cutting vegetables  through his strange cutter I ever say. And yeah the price of the cutter was just Rs.50. Almost everyone who saw that, bought it and even I thought to buy one but I didn’t  because of bla bla. From there we went for pakowda and momos  and we walked to office. After the usual work @ office  I went towards workshop for bike. I took a taxi to teku because it would be too hard for me to walk more.  After reaching , I checked my bike and asked how much should I give and the reply was Rs.1000. I thought hell no, because the petrol , as well as my pocket will be empty if I pay 1000 so told him that I cant give you 1000 because you know the fuel is empty  and I paid for taxi, I got only  900 more and Rs. 50, I got to fill petrol so that I reach home safely. But the fuel crisis, the petrol pump was closed near to the servicing center, and I drove all the way, and reaching the traffic at baneshwor I remembered that I had to pick grandma, shit happened, and reaching the pump, I filled the fuel of Rs.50 again and saved 50 for recharge cause it’s important to be in touch with my girl but suddenly, my girls dehh called me to pick her, and I had to deny  due to  crisis. After reaching home everything unusual happened, from talk with girl to every activity I did… unusual, unusual, unusual……………

Knowing, regretting the past is not a good idea to wake, my subconscious mind randomly keep dominating the true existence of being thee, thyself or myself. Expectation as always knowing “too much is never good’ as well “enough is never enough sometime.” The mind keep keeps expecting and demanding more n more although heart is safe there.

Selfish: being selfish is never on my list but sometime when people give me a emotional shape the expectation part burst out loud, roaring silently & widely. All I can do is let go, wait, see and feel how much is MINE existence inside you.

Once upon a time doesn't persists in my life. People express their story but its seem to me that I never had one. All I have is an attempt to fill the pages of life. What belonged to me & what is mine, will always be mine. Just because I have to walk through darkness sometimes they all play hide & seek with me. Whoever lightens themselves in my dark way, I see them but unseen part are all my illusion. In the mere of keep going through darkness I must accept what I see.

Silence

Yelling, looking out from the window silently in this Dawn and wondering of all the miseries, trauma that I am suffering, turning the pages back and waiting to turn over what's really there for me. I wish I could always be ME, decent, always smiling in every story, and continue to live, to wake after ever fall. I hope my positive attitudes always leads me to the path of humanity, love, peace and freedom. Life is hard but it's really is beautiful.

what it means when you feel lost?

The loss of yesterday, you say that a loss but it isn't  a loss. A sun never stops giving heat and warmth though it rain and rain and takes the dryness away. The sky will never stop watering the earth though sun takes the wetness away. I call that's the real philosophy of my existence of life, happiness n way from imperfection to perfection. its the reason why i doubt, i feel insecure, confused of your words, your feelings and i wonder do they exist? Ohh! I have become too complicated. shit!

Being honest.

Tomorrow will be the worse or either a good day for me in my life. Whether i have to quit rather i choose die, or i have to change the way i live, change the way of my life, i have to understand that things arent working and i have to move on leaving them behind because i cannot control life. I have to let go everythings and keep on learning, learn, learn,learn... wake, wake, wake...i have to rise everytime i fall because nobody cares, i am alone and i have to do anything everything alone. This is the fact, whether you accept or deny.I am responsible. Although I may not be able to prevent the worst from happening, I am responsible for my attitude toward the inevitable misfortunes that darken life. Bad things do happen; how I respond to them defines my character and the quality of my life. Never quit. keep smiling and the world will smile u back.

Forgiving and forgetting

Forgiving someone who has wronged you, betrayed you, is a very hard thing to do. I struggle with this daily. But I find that the act of forgiveness is not something you do as a gift for the other person, but as a gift for yourself.
You hold on so tight to your anger, your principles, that you just clench so tightly at this thing you can’t let go.
How do you find peace if you’re constantly reminding yourself how badly the other person treated you? Yet that person has moved on, created a new life, finding happiness in his own way. Let go, let go of the anger, and you can then unclench the hand and reach for something else, something new, hopefully something better. Maybe you don’t forget, but over time the memory of the pain fades, and it doesn’t hurt so much anymore.
Then forgive and move forward.
Justice happens when that pain doesn’t affect you anymore and the powerful memory of days long gone don’t hang around too long.

Tear Drops

I was never one to patiently pick up broken fragments and glue them together again and tell myself that the mended whole was as good as new. What is broken is broken -- and I'd rather remember it as it was at its best than mend it and see the broken places as long as I lived.

Between The Truth.

Its not about being me or being true, its all about being honest. I cant forget u, neither i can think of leaving you, but it doesn't mean that i am weak so that i should hurt and suffer every pain in my life which i do not deserve. Nothing last forever. Even the river becomes the ocean at the end, same i have changed and become too. A natural cycle or phenomena which i think isn't necessary to describe.I have become the ocean. You cant see me flowing. Yet i am there. Its just the phenomena with your demand. I have been through all of the sufferings, sacrifices, scars, pains, ups, downs, now i want to stay in peace. Beyond, beyond and beyond........I am the ocean. Now i cant quench your thirst searching you every corners. Simply you need to take enough to quench your thirst whenever you feel thirsty. Its just the transformation to accomplish YOU your want, your desire......May thee understand.
I wish you ENOUGH............

Turning over new leaves, Getting on with life.

I screamed If i insist on staying longer than the necessary time, i lose the happiness and the meaning of the other stages i have to go through.

You tried to get rid of me. It hurts but it could never hurt more than it did every day in my life just being me.I have stopped remembering and dreaming things, the one that shows how much i suffered from a certain loss: that is only poisoning me, nothing else.Remembering that there was a time when i could live without that thing or that person – nothing is irreplaceable, a habit is not a need.This may sound so obvious, it may even be difficult, but it is very important.I started believing that "what has passed will never come back."

Nobody plays this life with marked cards, so sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. I do not expect anything in return, i do not expect my efforts to be appreciated, my genius to be discovered, my love to be understood. I am me, simply me and will be just me forever. I stopped being who i was.I am happy to be who i am.

Love for the sake of love..

One alone lonely night, under the sky,in freeze wind, with the memories that was with me like a moon,like a twinkling stars, with clouds, sometimes covering the twinkle, covering the brightness and the freeze wind sometimes made my heart cold remembering the clouds that covered the twinkle of the stars, brightness of the wind.Sometimes covering memories that was flowing in my mind with the reality the heart flowed to, in each sense of my innocence and the reality that thee deny. May thee accept, may thee agree, May thee deny, the fact, the reality, the truthnes inside me, My heart remains the same and me always is and will be me. I talked, quarrel, argued a lot with me, the real me and the reality is thee, only thee. I shall not prove the me, i shall not show the inner me. May thee pretend like nothingness, May thee pretend the owl, may thee pretend the darkness, may thee ignore the me but it would always be me. I would not regret, i would not need. I am the reality and i will always shine, i will always twinkle, i will always be there, like the moon like the stars, no matter if its the 15th or 30th, no matters if something covers, i will always shine....

closing cycles

One always has to know when a stage comes to an end. If we insist on staying longer than the necessary time, we lose the happiness and the meaning of the other stages we have to go through.
Closing cycles, shutting doors, ending chapters – whatever name we give it, what matters is to leave in the past the moments of life that have finished.

Did you lose your job? Has a loving relationship come to an end? Did you leave your parents’ house? Gone to live abroad? Has a long-lasting friendship ended all of a sudden? You can spend a long time wondering why this has happened.
You can tell yourself you won’t take another step until you find out why certain things that were so important and so solid in your life have turned into dust, just like that. But such an attitude will be awfully stressing for everyone involved: your parents, your husband or wife, your friends, your children, your sister, everyone will be finishing chapters, turning over new leaves, getting on with life, and they will all feel bad seeing you at a standstill.

Things pass, and the best we can do is to let them really go away.

That is why it is so important (however painful it may be!) to destroy souvenirs, move, give lots of things away to orphanages, sell or donate the books you have at home.
Everything in this visible world is a manifestation of the invisible world, of what is going on in our hearts – and getting rid of certain memories also means making some room for other memories to take their place.
Let things go. Release them. Detach yourself from them.

Nobody plays this life with marked cards, so sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Do not expect anything in return, do not expect your efforts to be appreciated, your genius to be discovered, your love to be understood.
Stop turning on your emotional television to watch the same program over and over again, the one that shows how much you suffered from a certain loss: that is only poisoning you, nothing else.

Nothing is more dangerous than not accepting love relationships that are broken off, work that is promised but there is no starting date, decisions that are always put off waiting for the “ideal moment.”
Before a new chapter is begun, the old one has to be finished: tell yourself that what has passed will never come back. Remember that there was a time when you could live without that thing or that person – nothing is irreplaceable, a habit is not a need. This may sound so obvious, it may even be difficult, but it is very important.

Closing cycles. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because that no longer fits your life.

Shut the door, change the record, clean the house, shake off the dust.

Stop being who you were, and change into who you are.

A quirk of fate lands Nepali lad in Titanic mission

KATHMANDU, SEP 09 -
If a British national’s dream project comes true, the Titanic will soon rise again. Sounds like a fantasy to many who read and watched many fictional and non-fictional stories weaved around the tragic sinking of the glorious Titanic some 98 years ago, but for a young Nepali lad from Kavre, this will no longer be a fantasy.

Rajesh Khadka, 19, is not a ship engineer, but he has been selected as one of the 14 key members of the dream Titanic resurrection project of Douglas John Faulkner-Woolley, who aims to “raise” the Titanic.

The Titanic struck an iceberg and foundered on its maiden voyage in international waters on April 15, 1912, killing thousands of people.

The project sounds interesting, but how Khadka managed to get a place in the project is even more interesting.

Khadka says it all started when he was chatting on the Internet. About a year ago, Khadka came across a man by the name of “Douglas” online and quickly sent a “hi, how are you?” message. “Am fine and you?. Let’s be frens,” came a quick reply from the other end. The chat continued and they introduced each other. Over time, they came to know each other.

Khadka never thought in his wildest dreams that such sort of a chat would give him an opportunity as huge as this. But, it actually did.

Impressed with Khadka’s hobbies and his way of talking, Douglas, the brain behind the Titanic salvaging project offered him a role. “That was the happiest moment in my life,” Khadka says.

Subsequently he became a part of the project that would “raise” the titanic and the QE 1 (Queen Elizabeth). Khadka, an A-Level student at Chelsea Int’l College, will soon be flying to the UK to begin his work and get acquainted with the project. Khadka came to know about the Titanic through books and after watching a popular movie, ‘Titanic.’

“I will be assisting Douglas,” a proud Khadka said, though he added that he has never met Douglas in person. Douglas told the Post that the total cost of the project, including the salvaging project, lifting of the QE1 (Seawise University) on Hong Kong Harbour as a pilot project and the lifting of the Titanic, will be 18 million pounds.

“I hope to complete the project in the next two or three years,” said Douglas, adding that they will train Khadka in diving and that he will actually work as his private assistant.

Douglas said his grandfather told him the story of the Titanic. “It was my grandfather who inspired me to take up this project,” said the 74-year old Douglas. In 1972, the QE1 (Seawise University) sunk on Hong Kong Harbour after fire engulfed it and Douglas decided to use this wreck as a pilot project for lifting the Titanic.

My philosophy of mistakes, mind....

I am committed to my claim of “I aspire to make mistakes faster“. I am embarrassed to say it happened and yet proud of what I did at the end.I have made plenty of mistakes in my life and will continue to make them, unfortunately or fortunately. Mostly everyone repeat the same mistakes but i dont. I am quit different in making mistakes. I am always ready to make a new mistake. I have phobia with people who repeat the similar mistake repeatedly. A promise made is a promise to be kept.People change the meaning of word as they change their mind. River changes to ocean but river cannot be named ocean. Nobody wants confusion, neither wants to be confused. Confusion arisses when the believe is lost, when there is no trust. When there is a negative play in mind it reflects the negative things around you. The things happening with you is the same copy of what you had in your mind. IF you dream good things around you, the law of attraction will attract what you are thinking. Feeling of love is not like a weather which changes in time and time.Its neither hot nor cold. Its warm which keeps you safe. Love never changes. It always remains the same like sun, which gives light and heat but there is cloud which creates obstacles in its selfless service. but people blame sun, they do not see the true obstacles in the disbalence of its service. cause is the cloud but blame goes to the sun who is innocence itself.

its no use if you cry tomorrow.

whenever i am tired lucky in my life,
you come by my side like a dream.
whenever i am sad lucky in my dream.
you always warmly surround me.
i always smile like this.
no matter how many trials there are in this world,
i will never definitely never let you see my tears,
even if you dont understand my heart.
even if you are far away,
i will still be happy because of your smile.
just take a step closer to me.



heart touch song from boys before flower..(lyrics)

"Let's get back together."

I'm working on feeling like I deserve it-- but you know what I think today.... I DO! I am a believer now and i am worth of it. i believe my universe. The universe have granted me peace of mind and acceptance of the way things are. I’ve also learnt that I have to let go, and allow the universe to do its work, and not worry how it will happen. I am so grateful to the universe for helping me to find the real me and while it was difficult at times, I know I had to go through these experiences and then come out the other side happy and fulfilled.

I am amazing, I deserve love, to be loved for who I am, not superficial attributes, not because it is convenient. I deserve love that defies distance. So I really let go because I deserve more. And I will get it, this time around. I will never feel hopeless anymore.

Destiny i am near to you..

Destiny may be envisaged as fore-ordained by the Divine or unfolding through the exertions of human will. Destiny is inevitable and unchangeable.

i failed in my exams, i failed my expectation, i failed in love, i failed in hope, i failed in trust but at one thing i never loosed, i never fail. Its destiny that is the subject that i always passed and that i always win, and destiny is the reasons for my happiness, for my success, for fulfilling my dreams and the reason to talk about. Today i am happy because my destiny is there, so why should i worry, why should i fear, why should i regret, if i fail in my exams, if i fail to get my love and if i fail in my life. why? its useless to worry in such a stuffs. the main weakness of we is such a failure that we are pulling our life back. so i let go everything the way it is. why should we worry and regret our bad moments and make our head big, why should we bang our head again n again if we know enough is enough. sometimes life takes you to the hard moment, and sometimes people FUCKS with u and play with your FEELINGS,you feel alone lonely and desperate but at last you get nothing more than pains, more stress, so remember your destiny and your reasons for happiness, reasons for people who give importance on you and who loves and cares for you, for the way you are when life takes you to hard moments. never regret in your life. Love the one who loves you for who you, not the one whom only you want. Everything goes wrong for your GOOD for your new begining. like u need to pour some water in the tube well or water pump to get drums of water, feel the happiness in you always and smile though life leads you to bad moment and enjoy the buckets of smile and happiness. it need no cost, its free, so learn to smile and make other smile. life is too short. believe in your DESTINY, unlock it...